I’m very slowly reading this book: The Places That Scare You, A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times by Pema Chödrön. It’s one of those books where if I were the sort who highlighted important ideas, every page would be one sheet of color… so, slow going to say the least.
I’m quoting this paragraph from about a third of the way into the book because of the last sentence but I thought it felt better with the lead in.
It might feel like stretching into make-believe to say, “May this person who is driving me crazy enjoy happiness and be free of suffering.” Probably what we genuinely feel is anger. This practice is like a workout that stretches the heart beyond its current capabilities. We can expect to encounter resistance. We discover that we have our limits: we can stay open to some people, but we remain closed to others. We see both our clarity and our confusion. We are learning firsthand what everyone who has ever set out on this path has learned: we are all a paradoxical bundle of rich potential that consists of both neurosis and wisdom.
So I sat there and thought about this for awhile. I’ve long ago given up on the title of the book; sounds so self-help-ish and it’s not that at all. I re-read the last sentence again and go on:
Aspiration practice is different from making affirmations. Affirmations are like telling yourself that you are compassionate and brave in order to hide the fact that secretly you feel like a loser. In practicing the four limitless qualities, we aren’t trying to convince ourselves of anything, nor are we trying to hide our true feelings. We are expressing our willingness to open our hearts and move closer to our fears. Aspiration practice helps us to do this in increasingly difficult relationships.
She goes on to say that by “doing it anyway”, we are practicing the qualities in the face of our own shortcomings and recognizing and examining those “useless habits” while doing so. We can wish someone well even while being aware that we aren’t feeling good about them. By doing so in the face of that acknowledgement we practice with resolve and increase our ability to be loving and compassionate to everyone.
I have to admit to a moment of analogy. I sat back after reading these few paragraphs a few times. The lightbulb flickered dimly. That whole aspiration thing: just do it despite the chatter in your head. Look, applique is the way to go for this project and even though it’s never been my prime tool or my favorite, I’m just going to do it. It’s not any harder than anything else in reality and I don’t have to go on to make princess feather quilts or Baltimore albums, I just need to think about how it is good on its own and is just the right thing for this and I can feel good about it. I can just do it and keep doing it even while my mind is reminding me that it’s not my thing.
That made me laugh and I figured I better re-read those pages a few more times!
